Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
