Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
