you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
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