Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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