Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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