he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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