Who did Billy Mays play for?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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