So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
