The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Randomize
