im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
