I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
