I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
