I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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