I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
