I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
