im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
