so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
not ubering you a puppy
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
