did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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