What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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