so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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