im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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