didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
