Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
