I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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