So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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