do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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