I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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