I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
