I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
