I'm so fucking centered right now
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Ladies don't puke and tell
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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