Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
