well I can't set my house on fire every night
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
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