a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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