i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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