I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
