apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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