I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
