i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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