my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
