I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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