I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
