I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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