so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
