my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
