if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
