32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
