her vagine was all disorganized.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
