help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i think we sleep fucked last night...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
