I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
