When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
