I'm gonna have a badass scar
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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