she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
