It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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