Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
