So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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