I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
we're so committed to being not committed
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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