Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize