I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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