I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
