I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
